Naked and Crying

 

Naked and Crying

I found myself in an all too familiar state this afternoon.

At times in life many of us have found ourselves in a moment of great despair, pushed to a point where we break.

Often it hits us when we are all alone, overwhelmed we let it out, tears flowing, body shaking, feeling naked and alone (sometimes we’re actually naked in bed or coming out of the shower) and it hits us square in the face.

The truth of our sadness or unhappiness can’t be hidden anymore.

Something in our life is making us miserable

Our body.
Our mind.
Our relationships.
Our business or career.

One or all of these areas can suck for us.

I know for me over the years I have found myself at incredible low points or “bottoms.”

Points at which I had to let it out – I couldn’t hold it in any longer.

Food – Sex – Booze could no longer mask my feelings. Usually these things were making it worse and were causing even more issues for me.

I remember one time in particular I was in the shower – openly crying, just letting the water run over me as I was overtaken with emotion. I knew I couldn’t continue living my life in the manner I had been.

Something had to change.

I also knew that only I could do anything about it.

The next day I gave up drinking and got sober ( 6+ years now at the time of writing this).

The great thing about hitting bottom

These “bottoms” were usually followed by me taking massive action, picking myself up by my bootstraps and forging ahead.

I have done this during:

Business failures,
Relationships ending,
Loss of life close to me,
Deciding to no longer live as an obese and weak person.

However, there have been times (albeit more rare) that I have been this emotional in times of great happiness!

The birth of my children.
Business successes.
Achieving great results competing in the bench press.

Today I once again found myself naked and in tears.

This time it was one of joy and celebration.

As I stepped on the scale naked I weighed in and saw these numbers flash,

2-7-9

279 lbs.

I had done it.

 

From 398 lbs – obese – weak and broken mentally – unhappy with my current levels of business – my mindset – the quality of my relationships

Now 279 lbs – feeling 1000% better physically and mentally.

My business and relationships have improved dramatically (even in the midst of this crazy covid world).

I hadn’t been this light in 30 years!

I got very emotional.

There I was naked and crying.

Not gonna lie, this ‘Naked” version looked much better ..lol!

This is definitely a good version of naked and crying.

It was great to just sit there and take it all in.

Appreciate how far I had come.

Look at what amazing things had changed for me.

See what exciting new opportunities now present themselves to me.

Acknowledge and respect all the hard work I had just accomplished (something we don’t do enough with ourselves and our accomplishments)

All this as I turn 53 in a few days.

At 398 lbs I felt that time was running out and I would miss out on so much.

At 279 I feel like there is so much that can and will be accomplished with the time I have in front of me!

Struggle – Persevere – Succeed- Inspire

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t Wait To Be Perfect

Don’t wait to be perfect before you start something. 

One of the biggest obstacles we have whenever we want to start something new, is an innate fear that whatever we’re going to do isn’t gonna be good enough.

And it’s completely normal. 

And while it’s completely normal, don’t get trapped by it.

You’ve got to get started.

While we talk about taking action and getting things done, you also have to fight that fear and that worry of always being perfect.

You see it all the time, “I’ll do this thing, when I’m able to do that other thing first.” 

If you truly want to do something, start doing it right away.

In the fitness field we see it all the time (and I’ve actually heard people say this, too many times) “I’ll start working out when I’m in better shape” or “I want to lose a few more pounds before I come to the gym.”

When you think about it, it sounds insane.

But we feel we’re not good enough to do something, even though we really want to do it. 

In fact, a really cool quote I heard a while back is if you’re not embarrassed by the first time you did something/the first time you created something/the first time you took action on something–if you’re not a little bit embarrassed by it–you waited too long

You waited too long to go after what you wanted to do.

Because you’re only going to get really good at something after you start.

No one starts things perfectly. It’s just a fear we have.

Now sometimes it’s an excuse, and you can usually tell the way someone frames it, that they’re using it as an excuse. 

But honestly, it’s a fear of us not doing it right, it’s a fear of us looking foolish or it’s the fear of people laughing at us or judging us. 

Fuck all that. 

At the end of the day, when you’re ready–when deep down inside you know you’re ready to start something–fucking do it. 

Go and do it!

Who gives a fuck if you stumble 20 times?

It’s far better than wishing you had done something for a long time and never executed it.

Because once you start something–and it starts happening, and the momentum starts, and the progress happens– you’re so happy you did it that you’ll wish you would’ve started a long time before!

I’ve seen it in powerlifting when people compete for the first time. Inevitably, they get off the platform wishing they had started two years ago, six months ago, 10 years ago!

You just gotta let that ego go aside and let that fear go aside, and go do it.

Do it for the first time and look to improve, because anytime you learn a skill, you’re going to improve.

But first, you have to start. 

START, then you can be consistent. 

START, then you can improve.

But if you don’t start, nothing happens. 

Guys, don’t wait to be perfect. 

Struggle-Persevere-Succeed-Inspire

Curd Hos

Silverback Blueprint Podcast – Episode 71 – Be Ruthless With The Things That Do Not Matter

silverback curd hos

Learning to focus on the stuff that matters, we only have so much bandwidth. Ask yourself, will what i am doing move me towards my goal and vision for my family, business, health and relationships. The 80/20 Rule.

 

 

The Silverback Blueprint Podcast is rebuilding the alpha male in men 40 and over.

Use promo code SILVERBACK to get 20% off your purchase at www.hostylegear.com

 

Click here to Get Your “Work Hard Motherfucker” Banner 

5 Am Video – The Monkey on your back

Monkey on your back

 

 

 

 

At this stage of our lives we all have a few “Monkeys on our back”

Some unresolved issue either with ourselves, another person or a situation.

It’s usually something that is highly charged emotionally for us.

It’s something that is always in the back of our minds.

Something that is holding us back in our pursuit of the “Best “ version of ourselves.

We make it worse for ourselves by letting our imagination run wild with possible outcomes of dealing with the matter at hand.

Or we continually re live the incident that created this motherfucker that’s pressing down upon our shoulders, the incredible weight pressing down on our soul!

Like a bad dream or defeating mindset, we are the one’s giving the issue life and energy by thinking about the possible outcome of dealing with it (usually all negative).

Shit if we put ½ that energy into just working on a resolution we would be past it.

Easier said than done.

It’s incredibly hard because it’s personal – it’s our feelings – our fears.

******************************

Just yesterday I finally dealt with something that has been bothering me for over 14 years.

I knew it had to be dealt with.

I had to do it,

I had to face it,

I had to deal with alone.

So I put myself in a situation where I had NO CHOICE but to deal with it.

Logic and planning told me that it was going to workout one way or the other.

“On Paper” I felt it was 95% going to workout just fine.

In reality, I was scared shitless.

None the less, I just kept focusing on a positive and powerful mindset.

I bit my lip and went for it!

30 minutes later it was done!

It was 90% less hard than I had imagined it would/could be.

The sense of relief was immediate as it washed over me.

Once I was alone ad I had time to let myself process, I got incredibly emotional.

I can’t begin to accurately express the empowering feeling I have at the moment.

An incredible weight has been lifted of me.

Now I want to attack the next monkey on my back.

But that, as they say is going to be for another story.

Workhard Motherfuckers!

12 more weeks of Regret

This week we started our next 12 week session of the Silverback Blueprint.

Over the next 3 months –  4 men will begin to transform themselves

  • Physically
  • Mentally
  • Spiritually

We start with the before pics, measurements and weigh ins.

A quick warm up / mini workout

These guys will be nervous and anxious.

They haven’t felt themselves in years or even decades.

They are suffering from

  • Low Self esteem
  • Lack of confidence
  • Low energy
  • Low libido…

 

Well all that is about to change this week.

We start small.

For some of these men there is a lot to fix.

We do just that, small improvements every workout, every week.

The muscles start to wake up, energy starts to increase.

Self esteem starts improving (right from the very first workout).

  • Sleep improves
  • Sex improves
  • Mindset improves
  • Life Improves

 

For other guys who haven’t made the decision to change it’s gonna be 12 more weeks of regret.

But not for these guys changing their lives this week !

For the others, maybe next time

http://silverbackblueprint.com

No Day is complete without your workout

Here’s my latest Workout Video

Work Hard Motherfuckers!!

Curd

Episode 1 of the Silverback Blueprint Podcast – Rebuild

silverback Blueprint Podcast

ReleasedJul 11, 2017

Episode 1 – Rebuild <== Click here to listen

Curd talks about rebuilding.

Sometimes when we are knee deep in the rice paddies we can feel overwhelmed.

Take a step back, establish a 50m goal, and move forward step by step.

Crush-A-Diem (don’t just Sieze the day – CRUSH the DAY!!)

Curd

Listen Here

Episode 1 – Rebuild 

About the Silverback Blueprint Podcast

We publish 2 shows a week

Monday and Thurday

The Silverback Blueprint is all about rebuilding the alpha male in men 40 and over. 

What is a SilverBack?

A term used to describe the larger buck; or bigger undomesticated male.

For me it represents the ultimate achievement for males of the human species with an unmistakable connotation of personal power, social significance and self confidence.

This is usually when we hit the 40-45+ age category – shit we are just starting to become cool and interesting! When you walk into the room people take notice!

When the shit hits the fan you’re the one who is ready to step up and deal with any situation.

From Fat – Broke and an Alcoholic to building a Kickass Training Facility

what success really looks like curd hos
A Dream come true….

 

Everyone has dreams and goals. Anyone who knows me, knows I have 100’s and that’s being conservative.

I have worked hard all my life. Always working on the next thing. I have had some great successes and some near fatal catastrophes.

At the basis of all that I have done, the very part of me that’s makes me truly me is weightlifting and powerlifting.

I have owned a few gyms over the 25 + years. I liked them, but I never really LOVED them.

 

Up until I started Hostyle, I built businesses purely for the $$.

 

I never really dared build a business the way I truly wanted it to be.

 

The way I wanted to be.

 

Partly out of fear of failure – what if nobody likes it?

 

Mostly out of not really knowing what I really wanted – I didn’t really know enough about me at first.

 

I never took the time to ask those deep questions – what really makes me tick?

 

It wasn’t until I went from 5 Fitness Warehouse supplement stores down to 1 location back in 2009.

 

My business world had imploded.. I fucked shit up.. no matter what people or anyone say, I was responsible for all of it.

 

Not doing the things I knew deep down I should have done. I listened to the wrong people – only because they were saying what I wanted to hear at the time.

 

Anything to drown out the voice in my head that was shouting at me to make changes much sooner.

 

I knew then I wasn’t really being “me” anymore.

 

Rebuilding business

 

So I sat there in my Orleans store in 2009 and decided to really quiet my mind and listen to that voice.

 

I began to write things out, What did I want?

 

I knew I was going to stay in the Health and Fitness field. Question was how?

 

I was broke
My Business failed
I was fat – almost 400 lbs
I was an alcoholic
I was so fuckin broken and sad

 

I sketched out a list of things that I would have to do to create the life I truly desired.

 

It was long and really, really, really daunting!

 

Imagine Me – A fat guy running a fitness bootcamp.

 

Many people thought  I was crazy, after all they just saw me fail at a huge level.

 

Some people thought I would pack up and move away.

 

what success really looks like curd hos hangar hostyle
Looking back I can see that’s where and when Hostyle was born.

 

I started it in that small 1500 sq ft store..

 

I knew if I focused on helping others, others like me that needed to rebuild themselves, I would have something special and unique.

 

They laughed at me in Berlin..

 

Some of my competitors told people that I was a joke, how was I gonna be able to build a bootcamp business when I was fat.

 

One of my current members who used to train at another gym, told me of the day that owner walked in and said to him that this “Curd Hos” guy is opening a bootcamp in Orleans and that I was gonna fail coz I was over weight.

 

Another personal trainer took one of my first videos and posted it up on his facebook account with a message that said… “who would ever get trained by this guy (me)”

 

see video below

WTF

 

I didn’t even know these guys.

 

I took the high road – but I never forgot that shit.. It became part of fuel, my drive to succeed.

 

It made me realize that if I’m going to do anything I needed to be 100% true to myself.

 

That’s the only way I would be able to shoulder the huge work load ahead of me.

 

I always gave myself goals that were challenging.

 

Once I decide to do something – get out of my way.

 

Maybe that’s what they were afraid of –

 

They saw that in me when I didn’t see it at the time

 

fuck those guys….

 

We grew, we stumbled, I kept going.

 

a little over 3 years ago I moved into the location I’m in now. A former gym 5500 sq feet.

 

We grew, we stumbled, I kept going

 

2 years ago I took over the wine making place growing our space to 7500.

 

We grew, we stumbled, I kept going

 

This summer we took the rest of the basement another 6000 sq feet –

 

the hangar gym
The Hangar Gym was born.
We have a total of 13,500 sq ft.
The Hangar Gym is the next installment
I wanted a Kick Ass Training Facility with
  • the best equipment
  • great coaches
  • the best clients
  • an amazing atmosphere
  • an amazing team as my staff
Finally a gym that I am truly proud of – one that’s as serious as you are..

 

I’m still kinda fat – but fuck I’m happy and stronger than ever.

 

Curd
people of the hangar gym

Wholly Shit Hostyle is 7 years old!

Hostyle BBQ

Can you believe it?    7 Years!!!
We started with 1 Tuesday Nite class at 6 pm in a 2000 Sq ft Retails Store.

3 years ago we moved and expanded to 6000 sq ft and 18 month ago we added another space for a total of 8000 sq ft!

From my first client Jojo (who is still crushing it here 3 x week) to over 150 current members and hundreds more who have been through these doors!

Pretty cool considering some people said it would last..

Hell I remember 1 asshole from the Ottawa area on Facebook using one of my early videos trying to promote his personal training studio by

posting “why would you get trained by this guy” making his sales pitch based on me being overweight.

Or the dude who left a review on yelp saying I was fat and lazy…..

I have only used that as fire in the belly to keep building my brand and working on delivering great workout experiences and results for my clients.

Those doucebags are far out weighed by the incredible journey this has been for me and my awesome clients at Hostyle

Seeing the men and women transform their bodies, their minds and their lives is truly a gift to be a part of.

I am truly thankful to be able to do what I do at Hostyle, the hard work is paying off and we have created something truly special.

Now Its Time to celebrate all that we have accomplished at Hostyle!

It’s the 7 th Anniversary BBQ Party

Saturday May 14th from 3 pm to 6 pm we are having a Chicken Bar B Que!

It will be an afternoon of

We are also making an amazing Announcement That you will not want to miss!!

I have been working on a crazy exciting project that will be revealed during the BBQ.

Those who will be at the BBQ will

Ready to get your BBQ on?

Click here to get your Tickets ==> FEED ME Chicken and Excitement <==

I am looking forward to celebrating with you guys on the 14th 

Curd

 

The Silverback Blueprint

Here’s How I started it all
Here’s a pic me weighing 395 Lbs
 Curd Hos
I can tell you my life was shitty!
I felt like crap, I couldn’t walk 500 meters – my back was done – my cardio was in the toilet.
But the crazy part was I could bench over 500 lbs so I clung to that, telling myself that as long as I was strong it was good.
Damn I was full of bullshit!
I didn’t really like ANY thing about myself…things were pretty dark
Then One day I finally couldn’t take it anymore
I got up,I mean I just stood the fuck up, put my shoes on and went for a walk, a terrible sweaty painful and embarrassing walk. Not even 500 meters, I was done.
I came home, made a smoothie, took a pad of paper a pen and I laid out a plan.
 curd hos silverback blueprint
Fighting the Fight every day down to 290 lbs 1 year later.
My life really changed and along the way my Strength and Conditioning company Hostyle Conditioning was born.
I felt fantastic, My family was happier, I was happier.
People were proud of me, most of all and I mean this is the biggest thing of ALL.
I was proud of myself! I had found my Self respect the most important type of respect and I had it BACK!
But the crazy thing happened along the way..
I took my eye off the ball (ie my own focus on myself)
The old way of life crept back in, straying from eating well – too many cheat meals – too often and boom I
crept back up up to 365 lbs
curd hos podcast
Fuck that shit!
I caught myself and created the Silverback Blueprint.
Like I mentioned earlier
Using the exact meal plan as well as the daily workouts in the blueprint I am down almost 9 lbs in just under 2 weeks and my energy is starting to really ramp up.
It’s really about being part of something bigger than your self. When I focus on my goals daily. When I think about the people who depend on me to be at my very best.
When I stop and listen to my own voice, remembering what it feels like inside when I am healthier, stronger, when I really am the “SIlverback
It becomes clear and actually much easier… Time to fix this!
Take action
Become a Silverback
Let’s go Crush it!
Curd

I’m a fucking Alcoholic…

I'm a fucking Alcoholic Curd Hos

I’m an alcoholic – recovering / recovered now, been sober since October 2014.

I’ve known for a long time now, maybe I’ve always known. Like most of us that have an issue or demon on our back we know. We can’t admit it – we don’t know how to – but mostly were just so fucking scared.

I never had a childhood. Not like an average or normal childhood – something I didn’t fully realize until I had children of my own and knew what unconditional love was.

I had a starting point from which I never stopped running from

I was really terrified to have children – I was so afraid –  I didn’t want to fail them – I didn’t want them to have the life I had growing up. I didn’t know how I was going to do a good job.

I realized that it wouldn’t be hard once I just decided to do the opposite of everything from my youth.

I was 16 when I had my first beer or should I say beers!

Drinking gave me a rush of confidence, and for a boy hounded by feelings of inadequacy, the buzz was a welcome relief.

“What was impossible to realize at the time was that I was shooting myself in the head in some strange time warp where the bullet takes many years to finally reach its target” –  great quote I stole it!

I felt empty and sad for years, and for a long, long time, alcohol worked. I’d drink, and all the sadness would go away.

Not only did the sadness go away, but I was fantastic. I was charming, funny, I had a great presence, and I could talk to anybody.

But at some point, the booze stopped working. That’s when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness.

I remember actually realizing this – at least 10 years ago

On the outside to others I had my shit together, I was the guy who loved his beers loved to have a great time and wanted everyone around me to feel the same.

I justified it with the “work hard – play hard”

I was full of shit!

The crazy part was that on many level I was getting things done, achieving things that many people didn’t think I could, deep down inside neither did I.

For many years every time I started to really get a head I would get scared, afraid I couldn’t handle it. Afraid I would screw it up.

I felt lost and had no clue what I was supposed to do next. So I did what I knew how, I drank and lost my focus.

As a very close friend of mine once said, “Curd, just when you start to get ahead on something you Zig or Zag into a different direction.” I got mad at him, like an alcoholic I blamed him instead of looking at myself.

My one saving grace was that even deeper down inside I knew I was “meant for more”.

When I started Hostyle 5 years ago, my business was in shambles I had once again “Zigged” and it cost me and my family as I watched “Fitness Warehouse” go up in flames.

I had to grab onto something to keep me from sinking even deeper.

It was training..I knew I had to get back in to better shape and I knew it would bolster my self esteem and confidence… and it did and it led to the creation of Hostyle Conditioning  wwww.hostyle.ca

I also knew I needed help. Some better business skills and accountability so I hired a business coach 3 years ago – Eric Deschamps from Rhapsody Strategies.

Even then I was ready to get help for my business which was a very smart move, but I wasn’t ready to get the help I needed for myself, not for my alcoholism, fuck that I was still too afraid to go there.

But I knew that I would have to deal with “Me” eventually.

Hostyle started to grow, tools and systems started to take hold, accountability was working being coached was working. My confidence grew as Hostyle grew. Helping and coaching my clients gave me purpose and it was easier to stay focused on helping them.

Then as we moved and expanded an itch was starting to come back, I started to feel like a fraud, that emptiness was coming back as things were getting smoother and I had more time to think, old familiar scripts started coming back to the surface.

To be honest they never left I could just hear them more clearly as things were quieter.

Is that why I zig and zag for the chaos?, the noise it makes?, how it drowns out the negative scripts that are always just beneath the surface.

Just over a year ago I found myself drinking more and more, upstairs at the bar after Hostyle Closed till 2 in the morning, then back at hostile at 5:30 am to teach – hung over – tired – starting to fuck shit up.

I was Zigging and Zagging…..

One morning I sat at my desk just before a class one morning and I couldn’t think of single workout for that 6 am class.

I started to think, I started to remember all kinds of shitty things, I barely got through the class.

I went home – I got mad

I mean really, really angry!

I lost my shit – I Could see myself ruining it all again – I could see everyone around me would suffer again.

I could not go through this again – I would not.

I had hit my “Bottom”

I picked up a card with a number written on it, I had this card in my wallet for almost 2 years.

I was sick to my stomach, I dialed the number, the next day I went to my first AA meeting.

For the 1st 3 months I told no one… not even my wife…then I told her…then a few key people…

Its been over 13 months now…

There is lots of work to be done… I got this …one day at time somedays. But I’m a shit ton better off than where I was…

I will Crush it!

It’s time to tell the world.

My name is Curd, I’m a fucking alcoholic …now let’s go!