Everyone has dreams and goals. Anyone who knows me, knows I have 100’s and that’s being conservative.
I have worked hard all my life. Always working on the next thing. I have had some great successes and some near fatal catastrophes.
At the basis of all that I have done, the very part of me that’s makes me truly me is weightlifting and powerlifting.
I have owned a few gyms over the 25 + years. I liked them, but I never really LOVED them.
Up until I started Hostyle, I built businesses purely for the $$.
I never really dared build a business the way I truly wanted it to be.
The way I wanted to be.
Partly out of fear of failure – what if nobody likes it?
Mostly out of not really knowing what I really wanted – I didn’t really know enough about me at first.
I never took the time to ask those deep questions – what really makes me tick?
It wasn’t until I went from 5 Fitness Warehouse supplement stores down to 1 location back in 2009.
My business world had imploded.. I fucked shit up.. no matter what people or anyone say, I was responsible for all of it.
Not doing the things I knew deep down I should have done. I listened to the wrong people – only because they were saying what I wanted to hear at the time.
Anything to drown out the voice in my head that was shouting at me to make changes much sooner.
I knew then I wasn’t really being “me” anymore.
So I sat there in my Orleans store in 2009 and decided to really quiet my mind and listen to that voice.
I began to write things out, What did I want?
I knew I was going to stay in the Health and Fitness field. Question was how?
I was broke
My Business failed
I was fat – almost 400 lbs
I was an alcoholic
I was so fuckin broken and sad
I sketched out a list of things that I would have to do to create the life I truly desired.
It was long and really, really, really daunting!
Imagine Me – A fat guy running a fitness bootcamp.
Many people thought I was crazy, after all they just saw me fail at a huge level.
Some people thought I would pack up and move away.
Looking back I can see that’s where and when Hostyle was born.
I started it in that small 1500 sq ft store..
I knew if I focused on helping others, others like me that needed to rebuild themselves, I would have something special and unique.
They laughed at me in Berlin..
Some of my competitors told people that I was a joke, how was I gonna be able to build a bootcamp business when I was fat.
One of my current members who used to train at another gym, told me of the day that owner walked in and said to him that this “Curd Hos” guy is opening a bootcamp in Orleans and that I was gonna fail coz I was over weight.
Another personal trainer took one of my first videos and posted it up on his facebook account with a message that said… “who would ever get trained by this guy (me)”
see video below
I didn’t even know these guys.
I took the high road – but I never forgot that shit.. It became part of fuel, my drive to succeed.
It made me realize that if I’m going to do anything I needed to be 100% true to myself.
That’s the only way I would be able to shoulder the huge work load ahead of me.
I always gave myself goals that were challenging.
Once I decide to do something – get out of my way.
Maybe that’s what they were afraid of –
They saw that in me when I didn’t see it at the time
fuck those guys….
We grew, we stumbled, I kept going.
a little over 3 years ago I moved into the location I’m in now. A former gym 5500 sq feet.
We grew, we stumbled, I kept going
2 years ago I took over the wine making place growing our space to 7500.
We grew, we stumbled, I kept going
This summer we took the rest of the basement another 6000 sq feet –
I’m an alcoholic – recovering / recovered now, been sober since October 2014.
I’ve known for a long time now, maybe I’ve always known. Like most of us that have an issue or demon on our back we know. We can’t admit it – we don’t know how to – but mostly were just so fucking scared.
I never had a childhood. Not like an average or normal childhood – something I didn’t fully realize until I had children of my own and knew what unconditional love was.
I had a starting point from which I never stopped running from
I was really terrified to have children – I was so afraid – I didn’t want to fail them – I didn’t want them to have the life I had growing up. I didn’t know how I was going to do a good job.
I realized that it wouldn’t be hard once I just decided to do the opposite of everything from my youth.
I was 16 when I had my first beer or should I say beers!
Drinking gave me a rush of confidence, and for a boy hounded by feelings of inadequacy, the buzz was a welcome relief.
“What was impossible to realize at the time was that I was shooting myself in the head in some strange time warp where the bullet takes many years to finally reach its target” – great quote I stole it!
I felt empty and sad for years, and for a long, long time, alcohol worked. I’d drink, and all the sadness would go away.
Not only did the sadness go away, but I was fantastic. I was charming, funny, I had a great presence, and I could talk to anybody.
But at some point, the booze stopped working. That’s when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness.
I remember actually realizing this – at least 10 years ago
On the outside to others I had my shit together, I was the guy who loved his beers loved to have a great time and wanted everyone around me to feel the same.
I justified it with the “work hard – play hard”
I was full of shit!
The crazy part was that on many level I was getting things done, achieving things that many people didn’t think I could, deep down inside neither did I.
For many years every time I started to really get a head I would get scared, afraid I couldn’t handle it. Afraid I would screw it up.
I felt lost and had no clue what I was supposed to do next. So I did what I knew how, I drank and lost my focus.
As a very close friend of mine once said, “Curd, just when you start to get ahead on something you Zig or Zag into a different direction.” I got mad at him, like an alcoholic I blamed him instead of looking at myself.
My one saving grace was that even deeper down inside I knew I was “meant for more”.
When I started Hostyle 5 years ago, my business was in shambles I had once again “Zigged” and it cost me and my family as I watched “Fitness Warehouse” go up in flames.
I had to grab onto something to keep me from sinking even deeper.
It was training..I knew I had to get back in to better shape and I knew it would bolster my self esteem and confidence… and it did and it led to the creation of Hostyle Conditioning wwww.hostyle.ca
I also knew I needed help. Some better business skills and accountability so I hired a business coach 3 years ago – Eric Deschamps from Rhapsody Strategies.
Even then I was ready to get help for my business which was a very smart move, but I wasn’t ready to get the help I needed for myself, not for my alcoholism, fuck that I was still too afraid to go there.
But I knew that I would have to deal with “Me” eventually.
Hostyle started to grow, tools and systems started to take hold, accountability was working being coached was working. My confidence grew as Hostyle grew. Helping and coaching my clients gave me purpose and it was easier to stay focused on helping them.
Then as we moved and expanded an itch was starting to come back, I started to feel like a fraud, that emptiness was coming back as things were getting smoother and I had more time to think, old familiar scripts started coming back to the surface.
To be honest they never left I could just hear them more clearly as things were quieter.
Is that why I zig and zag for the chaos?, the noise it makes?, how it drowns out the negative scripts that are always just beneath the surface.
Just over a year ago I found myself drinking more and more, upstairs at the bar after Hostyle Closed till 2 in the morning, then back at hostile at 5:30 am to teach – hung over – tired – starting to fuck shit up.
I was Zigging and Zagging…..
One morning I sat at my desk just before a class one morning and I couldn’t think of single workout for that 6 am class.
I started to think, I started to remember all kinds of shitty things, I barely got through the class.
I went home – I got mad
I mean really, really angry!
I lost my shit – I Could see myself ruining it all again – I could see everyone around me would suffer again.
I could not go through this again – I would not.
I had hit my “Bottom”
I picked up a card with a number written on it, I had this card in my wallet for almost 2 years.
I was sick to my stomach, I dialed the number, the next day I went to my first AA meeting.
For the 1st 3 months I told no one… not even my wife…then I told her…then a few key people…
Its been over 13 months now…
There is lots of work to be done… I got this …one day at time somedays. But I’m a shit ton better off than where I was…
I will Crush it!
It’s time to tell the world.
My name is Curd, I’m a fucking alcoholic …now let’s go!